Holy Hour

My Holy Hours are getting later and later. Now, they seem to be at about 9-10 pm. There is something amazing about being in church at night though, it is so quiet and peaceful. With all that has gone on in my family lately, I really need that time to just be with God. Sometimes, when I go earlier, Father will come over and talk. He is really smart and orthodox and I love talking to him. He has helped me through this whole ordeal with Rick in so many ways. He was the one who heard Rick's Confession and brought him back to the Church. He has this amazing gift of seeing things from a perspective that I had not considered, no matter what the problem so that I always come away trying to figure out why I hadn't thought of something so simple myself.
I am going out to my parents this afternoon. This is so hard on them, I cannot imagine how hard it is to lose a child, no matter what their age.

Funeral

The Rosary last night and the funeral today was so hard. Rick was my big brother, but he meant so much to so many people. At the hospital in the last few days of his life the people he worked with and golfed with and had gone to school with came in and out of his room, I wish I would have counted. Rick was 44 and very active until this cancer got the best of him. It is really a shame that we do not get together with extended family except at times like this. A lot of laughs and tears. It is very hard to see big, strong, grown men bawling like babies because they loved my brother so much, and yet it is also very comforting to realize the impact he had on the people around him. The funeral was beautiful and Father gave a great homily. My husband read the readings and did a great job. After Mass, my brother-in-law gave a eulogy. He told memories of Rick that some of us had. How uncle Rick always made beef jerky for the kids and how much they loved it. My memory was the time 20 years ago I was in the far back pasture on my horse Cricket (we were just sitting there) and Rick was back at the house practicing his driving (he was a big golfer) when Boom! He hit Cricket on the rear! It wasn't until maybe two years ago that he admitted to me that he was aiming at the horse! There is now a huge void in my life and that of my family. At the hospital my brother, sister and I were there in the middle of the night and the nurse told us how great she thought it was that we were there with him and I told her that if it was any of the rest of us, Rick would be there doing the same thing. I will dearly miss my brother.
Eternal rest grant unto him, O' Lord
and let perpetual light shine upon him.

Rick

My brother Rick was diagnosed with melanoma 16 months ago. He had a piece cut off his shoulder and was doing pretty good. This past summer he was getting headaches and the diagnosis was brain tumors. He fought really hard and suffered so much. Last Saturday night he had my mom and dad take him to the hospital because his stomach was hurting so bad. He had a hole in his intestine caused by the cancer and when they opened him up to operate, it was in his liver and lungs. My biggest regret through all of this is that on Sunday night I left the hospital and he was alone that night. He had a very restless night and when we found that out, he was not left alone after that. The nurse was in the room most of the night comforting him, but I wish I would have been there. Rick was a bachelor and had three brothers and three sisters and 19 nieces and nephews (that is with only three of his siblings with kids!). He was strong and independant and it was very difficult to see him unable to help himself. He would moan and say "turn" so we would turn him on his back and give him a back rub. Very seldom was there not at least two or three people with him, usually many more. By the last couple of days, his speech was not understandable. But, the day he died, I was holding one hand and my sister was on the other side of the bed and my nephew was beside me. He looked at my sister and said something (I can't remember) clearly, then at my nephew and said "hey Buddy". He looked at me and I said "I love you Rick" and he looked right back and clear as a bell said "I love you too". It was such a horrible time, but there were many wonderful things happening also. We were blessed that he had an incredible group of nurses and doctors who went out of their way to make Rick comfortable, and his family too. Also, and this is the best part, he came back to the Sacraments after a long absence. This was the most difficult thing I have ever been through and I cannot imagine how hard this is on my parents to lose a child.

Advent Retreat

Last night I went to an Advent retreat. It started with Mass in this beautiful old church out in the country. And the people there are really good singers, which I find particularly intimidating. They have even put out a CD which I love. After Mass we go over to where they are having the retreat. Now I am a much more opened-minded person than I used to be, but sometimes I just want to scream! It started out okay with some insightful ideas, but by the end we had Sister reading a story that ended with a version of the Magnificat while the other Sister danced it out. They talked a lot about entering into your self. Now, it is quite possible that most people are much holier than I (actually it is most likely that they are holier than I). The last place I want to go is into myself. I know what rotten things are in there already. I would rather spend my time entering into Christ and there are so many ways to do that. To be Christ-like aren't we supposed to go out of ourselves, empty ourselves so that Christ can make us holy? But, what do I know?

Monica

Monica's therapist was here today. She was going to cast her leg for her brace that she will be getting soon, but the kit she brought was too big. Oh well, we will get it next week. She did bring an insert for her shoe and I think it is going to do great. Isn't she just the sweetest thing?